The warmest chamber.

His voice.

Tue, 14 May 2013 01:00:00 -0400

“When he has brought out all of his own, he goes on ahead of them, and his sheep follow him because they know his voice.” -John 10:4

Hearing the voice of God…knowing the voice of God…is it really possible? Does God still speak to us today? When I think about this question, I amuse myself by thinking of all the different tones God’s voice could have. And then I think about what other people think God’s voice would sound like. Low and bass toned? High-pitched? Just something fun to think about.

I believe that God does still speak to us today. And this verse in John 10 still speaks truth—we hear God’s voice and follow because we know his voice. I didn’t think it was possible. Growing up, I always complained to God how I could never know for sure if what I was doing was pleasing to him. I just wanted him to speak in verbal words and in an audible voice. But now I understand. He’s been speaking, I just haven’t been listening.

Listening doesn’t only consist of being silent though. Listening for the voice of God consists of being in His Word, talking to him in prayer (as ironic as that may sound), and having a deep and intimate relationship with him. I’ve come to realize that the moments where I feel the most at a loss of what to do with my life are the moments where I neglect my time with God. The moments when I feel like he isn’t speaking are the moments when I’ve turned my back on him, thinking that I know what I’m doing and I don’t need him.

I find that when I’m constantly seeking God and remembering God, I can hear his voice and I know it. It’s amazing, really. I used to think it impossible to hear God’s voice but now I see that it’s really quite simple. All it takes is a heart that yearns for him…a life that fears the Lord, as Dr. Hildenbrand would say. I feel like it may be different for everyone…how one hears the voice of God. I hear it in the conviction in my heart. The Holy Spirit knows exactly how to move me to hear God’s voice in the things I’m doing, thinking, and saying. I believe the Holy Spirit is our best accountability partner.

Recently, I’ve been having a lot of those Spirit-led convictions. It’s funny because I’d say, “I don’t want to do this or that…I shouldn’t be the one apologizing…I don’t want to do it.” But right as the words leave my lips, I know in my heart that that’s exactly what I need to do. If I say that I shouldn’t be the one apologizing, then I know even more that I really should apologize. When I say I don’t want to forgive someone, I know I need to forgive that much more.

That’s how God speaks to me. I hear his voice through having close communion with the King.

Jesus calling.

Wed, 24 Apr 2013 11:14:32 -0400

I am training you in steadiness. Too many things interrupt your awareness of Me. I know that you live in a world of sight and sound, but you must not be a slave to those stimuli. Awareness of Me can continue in all circumstances, no matter what happens. This is the steadiness I desire for you.

Don’t let unexpected events throw you off course. Rather, respond calmly and confidently, remembering that I am with you. As soon as something grabs your attention, talk with Me about it. Thus I share your joys and your problems; I help you cope with whatever is before you. This is how I live in you and work through you. This is the way of Peace.

(Psalm 112:7; Isaiah 41:10)

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My room mate shared this with me from her Jesus Calling book. I’m writing it here so I can keep it handy whenever I need the reminder. I hope it encourages you too. :)

Fallen.

Fri, 12 Apr 2013 23:44:36 -0400

Recently I’ve been reminded of how this world is fallen. We live in a fallen world with fallen people all searching for a hope that can sustain them. Even when we think we have it all together, God steps in and reminds us that no, this world will not bring us joy or rest like the one He has saved for us in Heaven.

We are human. We are sinful in nature. We need Jesus.

My prayer for all of us, including myself, is that every time we recognize how fallen we are, we yearn to exemplify Christ that much more. Every time we hurt or are hurt, we cause suffering or are suffering…we put on the person of Christ and fight on with love and peace.

Father, grant us hearts that want You and only You.

Mom visited me in my dreams last night. We were having a party at church. It wasn’t a church I...

Thu, 11 Apr 2013 10:31:00 -0400

Mom visited me in my dreams last night.

We were having a party at church. It wasn’t a church I recognized but it felt familiar…it felt like home. And while the service for this party went on, I saw her walking outside. I remember the feeling of joy that rushed inside of me when I recognized her “Darth Vader” hair and the trusty tote bag she carried around for dad every time we went to church parties. I dropped everything and went outside to see her. She was walking away from me and I saw that the closer I got to her, the quicker she disappeared. I panicked. In an attempt to keep her there…to hold on to her, I made a grab for her. But my hands caught nothing but air and the tote bag that was once hanging on her shoulder.

I didn’t want to wake up this morning. Because I know that if I wake up, it becomes more real that she’s not here. At least in my dreams I can search for her and have some inkling of hope that she’ll be there.

I miss you, mom.

Father, grant me Your words that I may speak things that encourage yet at the same time is still...

Sun, 07 Apr 2013 00:02:19 -0400

Father, grant me Your words that I may speak things that encourage yet at the same time is still truth. Grant me boldness and courage to speak when the opportunities present itself to me. And may I speak with respect and gentleness.

In Jesus’ name, Amen.

It's no wonder.

Fri, 05 Apr 2013 15:08:20 -0400

I find myself discouraged today. What is a leader if he does not empower his followers? I understand that we want to play by our strengths but if we do only that, then we will never be stretched in those moments when God wants us to be stretched. Why can’t we be more like Paul and Barnabas? Why can’t we encourage and empower those who look to us like how they did with Timothy, Titus, Silas, and many more? Why can’t we be like Jesus, who entrusted so much to his disciples?

My heart is burdened by this today. Father, give me peace. May I be able to edify rather than be a stumbling block.

The Commitment Crucible.

Thu, 04 Apr 2013 16:30:33 -0400

This is my leadership promise for today:

People often associate commitment with their emotions. If they feel the right way, then they can follow through on their commitments. But true commitment doesn’t work that way. It’s not an emotion; it’s a character quality that enables us to reach our goals. Human emotions go up and down all the time, but commitment has to be rock solid.

There are some things every leader needs to know about being committed:
1. It usually is discovered amid adversity
2. It does not depend on gifts or abilities
3. It comes as the result of choice, not conditions
4. It lasts when it’s based on values

Victorious.

Tue, 02 Apr 2013 22:03:10 -0400

With the help of my best accountability partner, I’ve come to realize that I need to stop pitying myself. Rather than focusing on all the bad in me, I need to cling to the goodness of Christ. If I focus on His goodness, my sinful self will eventually fade away until all that’s left is the imprint of Jesus in my life.

Yes, I am a monster when I succumb to my sinful nature. But Jesus overcame and conquered that monster when He rose from the grave. He had victory over it, and I can have victory too when I trust in Jesus.

Failure in disguise.

Fri, 29 Mar 2013 00:32:28 -0400

I’m a messed up person. I have a short temper that to this day, I’m still unable to control. And the saddest part of this is that I bring people down with me. I make them tired of having to deal with this.

It’s me. It’s my personality, my character. I’m the one at fault. And I will always be the one at fault. Why are you so not normal, Baoseng? What’s wrong with you? You’re just a failure in disguise. You’re a monster.

Maybe God is preparing me for tomorrow. I’m a monster, Jesus. Don’t do it…don’t die for me. I don’t deserve it.

And then Jesus whispers, “It’s already been done thousands of years ago.”

Building walls.

Wed, 20 Mar 2013 01:38:05 -0400

The enemy’s supplying the bricks, and I’m laying them down one by one. Oh, you weak and vulnerable child.

Lies.

Tue, 12 Mar 2013 23:56:03 -0400

For the past couple of weeks, I’ve been extremely susceptible to my sinful nature and the lies Satan throws at me. It troubles me how I can so easily fall into this web of lies.

You’re not good enough. You’re not wanted. You can’t even do your job right…what kind of leader are you? Oh, there goes another tally mark to your ‘Imperfections’ column. How can anyone like you if you’re anything less than their expectation? You’re flawed. Unworthy. Unloved.

Obvious lies yet so easy to believe.

Give me strength, Father. Give me courage to fight against these lies.

In the quiet.

Sat, 09 Mar 2013 18:54:00 -0500

It’s been a while since the last time I wrote a blog here. So I’m taking a break from my papers to blog. :)

As I sit here trying to find something to blog about, I keep coming up empty. What has God been teaching me? What has He been revealing to me these past few weeks? For some reason, I can’t pinpoint anything. And that scares me a bit. I keep thinking, “I must not be listening well enough. Maybe I’m too distracted and I can’t hear His voice.”

Or maybe…

God is simply being silent. Maybe because there’s something that He already brought to my attention that still needs work, and He doesn’t want to bring something new to me just yet. Or maybe because He knows that by Him being silent, I will come back to Him. Because when He’s silent in my life, I get worried and come back searching just to make sure He hasn’t left. Haha…quite foolish, huh? He promises to never leave or forsake me. But I fall prey to that lie often.

So Father, whether it be that I need to quiet my soul and listen more attentively or trust that your silence will bring about goodness, I pray that you’ll have your way with me. My life belongs to you.

baosizzle.

One year older.

Mon, 25 Feb 2013 00:00:00 -0500

Dearest Baoseng,

It’s that time of the year again. That time where you come to grips with the reality that you’re aging. Haha. Not that it’s a bad thing! With age comes wisdom and maturity, right? ;)

21 is over. You made it. Another year, another reason to celebrate. Because you still have life. You’re still here, living and breathing. And that’s always something to celebrate. So remember to celebrate. Don’t live in the sorrows of your past; live in the joy of today. Because there is joy today and every day after. God is here. He is living and active. That is where your joy lies.

You’ve had a good year with so much growth. Of course, you’re not done yet. God’s not done yet. So be yielding to His voice…be yielding to His guidance. God’s way will always be the best way. So rely on Him for everything. He sees your heart and He knows. Even if no one else knows, no one else realizes, no one else sees, God sees. And that is enough.

I don’t know what the coming year has in store. A year ago, I wouldn’t have been able to tell you exactly what would happen so it is the same now. But have hope. Have faith. Have love. God will see you through to the end.

Love always,

Npauj Ntxhee.

Full moon.

Fri, 22 Feb 2013 16:38:53 -0500

According to the calendar, there’s supposed to be a full moon on my birthday. I hope I can find a good spot to see that. Maybe Currahee…if Suzy can make it. If not, the soccer field will have to do, I guess.

Please, God…give us clear skies that night.

Having a very "blah" kind of day...

Wed, 20 Feb 2013 13:42:07 -0500

If I had gas, I would go on a drive to a place far, far away. But since my gas tank’s almost empty, I guess Zaxby’s will do.

Remember Baoseng, if life was easy, there would be no need for Jesus. Press on.

The Violinist.

Wed, 13 Feb 2013 15:14:00 -0500

When I’m having a horrible day, a song that usually helps is Mountain Spring by the Barrage. It’s such a happy song that it makes me forget that I was sad. Go ahead…listen to it. It’ll make your heart feel light and happy.

If you listened to it, you’ll know that yes, it is classical music. Every time I listen to this song, it makes me miss playing the violin. It makes me miss having my violin with me, ready and at hand for me to play. It makes me miss reading through sheet music, playing with an orchestra of string instruments, and sitting in that cursed second chair. Granted, I wasn’t that good of a player. I sat second chair almost all of my years of playing during middle and high school simply because my teachers liked to pair up a good player with one that wasn’t too good. So I guess second chair meant I was the best of the worst. Haha.

I remember when I first started playing violin. I absolutely did not want to. But for my birthday in my fifth grade year, my mom bought me a violin in hopes that I would join the orchestra when I entered middle school. I was totally against it. My best friend at the time was going to play flute for the band and I wanted to follow her. After an argument with mom where she was adamant on me playing the violin, I angrily complied to her wishes. I went to the first day of orchestra class with bitterness in my heart. I was determined to do horrible in that class so my mom would let me go to the band instead. But after the first week, I was hooked. Kinda funny too that I was hooked after the first week because we start off with the most basic things. But it felt nice…to play the violin and know what I was doing. As the years flew by, I did get lazy and didn’t practice as much as I should have so my skill level never improved much. But I still love it…the violin and the beautiful music it produces.

So I want to take this time to say thank you to my mother. It was because of your persistence that I love the violin and classical music. You knew me best, mom. Thanks.

It’s been nearly 5 years since I stopped playing the violin. My violin back at home has been through lots and after our most recent move, it is somewhat unplayable (worn strings and a broken bridge, not to mention hard to twist fine tuners). I think…maybe…if finances allow, it may be time to invest in a new violin. Maybe.

Here are some old photos of me and my beloved violin. For funzies, ya know. ;)

I miss my family.

Tue, 12 Feb 2013 20:19:51 -0500

I love it that when I cry on the phone with my little brother, he gets all “older brother”-ly. He’s a year younger than me but he truly acts and loves me like he’s older than me. He wants to protect me and take care of me. And I love that about him. Sure, he’s made some stupid mistakes but at least he’s taking responsibility of it. He’s got a heart of gold, my little brother. Love that kid.

Father, take this sadness and anger and hatred away. And fill me with your goodness. Amen.

Trust.

Sun, 10 Feb 2013 22:33:00 -0500

The other week, a friend of mine asked, “Do you think being fearful means a lack of trust in God?”

I answered confidently, “Yes.”

Father God, help me to trust in you so I no longer have to be fearful.

Friendly reminder.

Wed, 30 Jan 2013 16:08:56 -0500

I’m writing this post simply to help remind me—since I do tend to visit tumblr quite a lot—to remember to pray for my family. That’s something that I’ve been slacking on because my prayers usually gear toward the things happening in my life right at this moment in time. And at this moment in time, I’m off at college, doing my own thing apart from them. But I need to commit to pray for them…all of them, everyday. Because though I can’t be there physically for them, I can always be there spiritually for them.

Reign in me.

Tue, 29 Jan 2013 14:48:00 -0500

We sang this song in chapel today…Reign in Us. And I couldn’t help but really meditate on the words of this song, especially the chorus.

Oh great and mighty One,
With one desire we come
That You would reign
That You would reign in us

We’re offering up our lives
A living sacrifice
That You would reign
That You would reign in us

Sometimes we get so caught up in the music that we don’t really realize what it is that we’re singing…the words that we’re speaking in praise to the King. We’re asking God to reign in us, but do we really believe and yearn for that? Do you really want God to reign in your life…in all areas and aspects of it? That’s what I was having trouble with last night into this morning…allowing God and the character of Jesus to reign in my life. So today when we sang this song, I couldn’t help the tears from falling.

That is my greatest desire…that God would reign in my life…that He would take the highest position of authority and command in my heart, mind, and soul. I sang those verses today with a sincere heart to the King.

God, I want You to reign in me. I want the character of Jesus to reign in me.