Taiwan touched my heart.
Exactly two months ago, I was on a plane headed to Taipei, Taiwan. It would be my first time overseas and I was nervous and excited and definitely scared.
And now I’d like to share a little confession with you. All of my life, I believed that overseas missionary work wasn’t the thing for me. It was always a dream of mine to travel and experience new things but to live in a foreign country…that was a whole other story. Yeah, I’m a Cross-Cultural Business major…but a part of me still never believed that I could be overseas doing work for the Lord. That is, until now.
Two months ago, I went to Taiwan solely to fulfill my internship requirements for graduation. Before my trip, I was ready to just get my degree, settle down with my boyfriend, and serve the church here in the states. I wouldn’t be one of those missionaries who dropped everything and went overseas. No…I was more comfortable just staying here and sending people out. I just didn’t think that I fit in that situation or environment, especially with my introverted personality. I wanted to go on this trip so that God could confirm to me that being overseas wasn’t for me. I went already expecting Him to reveal and say that I wasn’t made to be overseas. I was telling people that I hoped God would speak to me during my time in Taiwan and that I would see if missionary work was for me or not but really, I had already decided in my mind that it wasn’t. So God took that selfishness in me and said, “Watch me work.”
Instead of hearing God say, “You’re right. Overseas work isn’t the thing for you,” I heard Him say, “I can use you in any place or situation.” Instead of making me long for the comfort of home in the states, He gave me a new place to call home…a new place to love. He showed me what faith and trust and hope really looked liked and now, I’m forever changed.
I’m teetering on many different decisions now. A part of me longs so much to be back in Taiwan now that I know that overseas work is something that I can do for the rest of my life. And another part of me is okay with staying in the states with the ones who have loved and supported me for so long here. Ahhh…I have so many feels…so many emotions running through me right now. I wish I knew the answer…I wish God would just tell me which one I should go for. But since I can’t fully know, I simply need to trust. And have faith that God will work out what He will.
Honestly, I really wanted to go so I can be a part of sending you off. It’s important to me but you don’t even care.
Now I have a headache, stupid tears.
I’m feeling discouraged over something so little. But really…people need to just get over it. You win some, you lose some. Quit being such sore losers. It’s not like our team is even bragging about our victory. I don’t understand why people are getting so defensive. And the things they say are just discouraging. It kinda sucks to have so many people not on your side. I know almost everyone is hoping that we lose tonight.
Okay. Vent over. Time to move on from this too. Can’t let it get to me. It’s just intramurals.
As you all know from my previous post here, I’ve been a very busy gal. I just did another fundraiser this past weekend which required me to be up until 3AM on a Sunday morning. And if you don’t know, I’m a woman who needs her sleep. So it was tough for me.
And then I come back to campus only to be burdened by the HSF Missions Committee eggroll fundraiser and all the preparations that need to be done for that as well as my homework load (because none of it got done over the weekend due to the fundraiser). I woke up this morning feeling overwhelmed and quite powerless. I had a paper due today that I hadn’t started, I had to run to the store after dinner to get more stuff for eggrolls, I had to prepare everything for eggroll prep tonight…the list seemed to never end. And after my 9am class, I was feeling pretty stressed about it all.
But I went back up to my terrace and showered. And while I showered, I prayed that the Lord would give me strength. I prayed for that joy that I once had…that joy and love and peace that once permeated to the very depths of my heart. I prayed for Him to meet me…and He did. Yes, under the pounding of warm water on my back, I prayed for the Lord of Lords to change my heart and make me a true bearer of His image in every part of my life.
And you know…the Lord…He never fails. Joy like none other filled my heart and I was at peace with all the craziness of life. I walked out of that shower and felt like I wanted to just go and love on people. I wanted to go to those who I know I’ve been neglecting lately and see how they were doing. And I know that’s the work of the Holy Spirit in me. That’s Jesus moving in me and saying, “Okay Baoseng…I will give you the desires of your heart…and I will fill you with my joy and my peace and my love.”
So this is my encouragement to you, friends:
”What joy, what joy for those whose hope is in the name of the Lord.
What peace, what peace for those whose comfort is in Him alone.”
Busy. Busy. Busy.
My days have been so packed. Especially my Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays because I have all five of my classes on those days. I’ve been feeling very overwhelmed with all that I need to do. I have classes & homework, work, HSF leadership positions (note that I have more than one position with the missions committee), and fundraising and preparing for my coming internship in the summer. My nights are always taken up by meetings, meetings, and more meetings. And it’s so exhausting.
I need me some Jesus time. I need to learn to say no to some things. I need to accept that I can’t control everything and have it all my way (<—a BIG problem of mine).
Feelings are so fleeting.
There’s a part of me that wants to hold on and keep holding on until I absolutely can’t do so anymore.
And then there’s that other part of me…that just wants to let go. Maybe this wasn’t meant to be. Maybe life did mean for us to cross paths to learn and grow from each other but that time is now over. Maybe it’s time to let go of this chapter of our lives and continue on with our separate stories. Maybe there’s something better out there for us and the only thing keeping us from it is each other.
Because I’m tired…and you’re tired…so what’s the point?
Rising up to the occasion.
I don’t think I believe in that saying.
I believe in working up to the occasion…in knowing that every decision you make now influences and affects the future. I don’t believe that you can succeed when thrown into situations by “rising up to the occasion.” I believe in hard work and determination. I believe in smart planning and focus.
You can’t expect to be good at it later unless you practice it now.