It’s 3am and I’m finally going to sleep.
I’m feeling very overwhelmed. So many emotions running through me that I can barely breathe by the weight of them. I don’t want tomorrow to come because tomorrow adds on to the stress. But I’m too late, aren’t I? Tomorrow’s already here.
I’m overwhelmed by school work, and the fear of not passing certain classes because of a lack of motivation to do work. I’m overwhelmed by work and it’s new pressures and responsibilities. I’m overwhelmed by my personal life. The wanting to be good and perfect, yet failing every time.…….
Sleep beckons and I must obey. Goodnight.
Has your heart ever hurt so much that it physically hurt as well? It’s a horrible feeling.
When I think about it, it makes me so sad and so angry all at once.
Heal my heart, Father. Heal it please.
Having someone be disappointed in you is one of the worst feelings ever. I remember my little brother telling me about how those words, “I’m disappointed in you,” had hurt him so much. Now I understand. It’s like this gut wrenching, sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach. It makes you feel shameful. It makes you feel like you’re not good enough.
If this is how it feels like to hear those words of disappointment, then I must be more careful how I use it and how often.
Picking up my heart and my stomach. Press onward, Baoseng. The mistakes of today do not define your tomorrow.
Lord, I need your peace and calm.
Why is it so easy for people to ruin my mood? Why can’t they learn to be watchful with their words? They may not seem like hurtful words to you but to me, they’re daggers to my soul. Father, teach me to truly love those who hurt me.
Teach me to love like Jesus.
I’ll admit it…one of my struggles is being too judgmental of those who post up online every detail of their lives, whether on Facebook or Twitter or Instagram. And yeah, I know…I’m a hypocrite for thinking this. Because I do it too, especially on here. So I got to thinking…why do I post these things up? Why do I, like so many others, feel the need to let the online community know about the things we are doing, feeling, seeing, etc.? And I think I know why I do it. I can’t say this is the same for everyone else, but for me, this is true. I write these Tumblr posts and Facebook statuses and I put up Instagram pictures because I want to be heard. Even if you only know just the inkling that I post, I want you, those who follow this blog or are friends with me on Facebook…I want you to know…to hear me. And maybe after hearing me, you can help me. I am nothing but a fallen sinner and I need encouragement and prayer just like everyone else. So I just want to say to you who are reading, thank you. It’s reassuring to know that I am heard.
Tonight, I’d like to share with you some “truth is” statements in my life. Just a few. I hope they won’t bore you.
Truth is, I hate studying. I’m just not good at it. I have this weird mindset that if I know the material, I know it. If I don’t, I don’t. And what usually comes into play is whether or not I go to all the classes and listen to the lectures and read the material. I don’t go into every exam not studying though. I do study…just very minimally.
Speaking of the things I hate, you know what else I hate? Me. Truth is, for the past 22 years of my life (okay…I probably didn’t start thinking this until I was like 11 but for emphasis, I say 22), I’ve looked in the mirror and have never been satisfied with the person looking back at me. Yes, the struggle is real, even for me. Under my make up and behind my cute outfits and styled hair still lies a girl who will never be able to measure up. Every day the struggle is there…the struggle to look at myself and find myself beautiful. I thought I was past this…but I guess I’m not. No matter what people say or think, in my heart and my eyes, I am not beautiful.
And this last “truth is”…is not really a truth is. Because I can’t say it…not here. It’s something that can’t be written down because it means more when it’s said with words that come from my mouth. But the truth is…this “truth is”…not very many people know. Just a handful of people. And I’m sorry I can’t share it with you. But I had to write a little bit about it because it came up today…it came to the forefront of my mind today and has stuck there. And to know that it was joked about…ha…that makes it hurt even more. I don’t blame this person for joking about it; you had no idea it would hurt me so much. Because you don’t know me…you don’t know my past…you have no idea what I went through. So no one is at fault. But not being at fault doesn’t stop it from hurting.
I’m trying to find a way to end this but my mind’s running blanks. All I can say is thank you for hearing me out.
For most of my life, I’ve been a person of surety and confidence. Though never completely 100%, still enough to get me going…to push through whatever I need to push through.
But today…now…in this moment in time, I find myself stumped. I am no longer confident…no longer sure. And that scares me…a lot. I wish I knew the answers to the questions I’ve been asking but I don’t. I wish these feelings of anxiety and worry would leave but they won’t. I have so much to say yet no words come out. What’s happened to me? I don’t know if this is a part of growing up or not…this change that seems to be happening. Less to say, quiet submission…this isn’t the me I’m used to. I fear that in this process, I’ve lost myself. But is that even important? Does it matter who I was, am, or will be? Isn’t God the ultimate purpose? Isn’t my life supposed to mirror Him anyway? So why should it matter that I’m disconnected with myself, so long as I’m connected to Him?
Pray and pray, Baoseng. Trust that God will lead you to make the right decision, even if that means walking away.