where my heart is.

Cheers to my mother.

Last weekend was the hardest and most tiring weekend of my life. So tiring that it took an entire week for me to recover and gain the strength needed to write this short little blog.

Life will never be the same. At times, it felt like everything was back to normal. When the whole family was here and together, it felt like the old days. It felt like mom was still here. But then I’d see dad by himself…without his trusty companion by his side and reality hits. She’s gone…she’s really gone. I caught myself making the mistake that she was still here so many times last weekend. I’d say things like, “Where’s mom?”, “What about mom?”, or “Let me talk to mom and dad about it.” Then I’d sit there and cry for a bit. I can’t say “mom and dad” anymore. It’s just dad now.

My biggest regret is not going home during winter break. I was so upset when mom had called a couple weeks before the break would start to tell me that they couldn’t fly me home. I understood though that this was my own fault; I had chosen to go to school far from home and flights back didn’t come cheap. Had I known it would be my last Christmas with mom I would’ve fought harder to go home. I had planned that for the three weeks I’d be home for winter break, I’d sit with mom and ask all the things I was curious about…the things I’ve never thought to ask her before. How did she come to know the Lord? What are her views on feminism? Things of that sort. Yeah…I’ve never asked her before. And now that I really want to know, I can’t even ask. I had planned to finally learn how to sew my clothes with her sewing machine. My pants always needed fixing because of my short legs and mom would always sew them for me. And I wanted to sit and crotchet with her. A couple months before I left, mom started crocheting these towels to help raise a bit of money for her and my dad for their trip to France. One time, she told me to sit and crochet with her but I refused, feigning to have other things to do (when I didn’t). Crochet really isn’t my thing. But I wish I’d learned. I wish I hadn’t been so selfish and spent some time learning all I could from my mom. Because I’ll never get the chance to now.

I know I shouldn’t live in regret. I’m grateful for the times I did have with my mom and I will always be grateful for them. I’m happy that I was able to restore the broken relationship I had with my mom before she passed. I do wish I could’ve done more for her. I wish I could’ve been a better daughter to her. I wanted her to see me graduate from college…to see me get married and have kids of my own. Sure, she’ll see me from heaven. But it’ll be hard for me to not have her physically there during those turning points in my life.

But you know…God is good. And even though I miss her like crazy, there’s peace inside knowing that she’s with Him. Her time had come. She finished her race, and I believe she ran it well and to the best of her ability. When she entered into the gates of heaven, God smiled at her and said, “Well done, my good and faithful servant.” And He welcomed her home with open arms. I believe that with all my heart and because of that, I am at peace.

I love you, mom. I’m thankful for the time that God gave you to me as my mother. I’ll see you in heaven.

With all of my love,

npaujntxhee.